I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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