I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
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