Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
