the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
