Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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