Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
