Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
