My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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