look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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