she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
