All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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