I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
