around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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