i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You pole danced in your parka.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
