I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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