Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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