rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Someone shattered a urinal.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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