Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
