all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
