Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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