i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
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