when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
PANTIES FOUND
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
