can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
