I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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