When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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