Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Randomize
