im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
