I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
