Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
