"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
All I want is dick and wine.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
