dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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