k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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