whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
