Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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