God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
