Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize