Sry I called you an 8
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
