cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
