True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
