I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
