the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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