worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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