Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i think i just lost a toe
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
