i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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