I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
we should paint friendship bongs
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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