i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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