Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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