if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
