I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
