just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
