Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
