You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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