I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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