I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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