Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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