i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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