It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize